Byte
by Fictionnaire
Summary: Something's wrong with McGee. And it might be deadly serious if it didn't seem so funny. Written for the Crack!Death Fic. Rated K for sexual references


_**BYTE**_

McGee rested his head on his folded arms on top of the desk. He just had real trouble with getting up and going that morning. Now… McGee just wanted stop. Each time he thought he was nodding off, Tony said something to bring him out of it.

"Late night Gaming, Probie?" Tony asked from his desk.

"No… I was downloading programs to improve the performance of my applications," McGee said. He didn't need to look up to see Tony's eyes beginning to glaze over as the words got longer.

"Sure," Tony said in a disbelieving tone.

Ziva walked into the bullpen. She to could tell that something wasn't quite right. But before she could enquire about the condition, Gibbs came strolling through the bullpen. "Grab your gear," Gibbs commanded.

Before McGee could react, the others were already halfway to the elevator. In a painstakingly slow manner, McGee slung his bag over his shoulder and with a slow pace made his way to the elevator.

"Today, McGee!" Gibbs shouted at the top of his lungs. It looked as if McGee was deliberately walking around in slooooow motion. Finally McGee made it into the elevator to travel with the others.

"Reeee…. Rrrrrr… Rrrrreally sorry, Boss," McGee apologized even though he felt it was strangely difficult to formulate the words and speak them. The door closed and they were well on their way to the crime scene.

**NCIS Lunchtime**

McGee had thought about telling the others what they could do with their lunch orders but decided to be dutiful. It took McGee ages to come back with the orders in hand. "Took your time, Probie," Tony observed.

McGee gave the lunches out and put Gibbs' order on the Lead Agent's desk before sitting down. "Now what we have here…," Tony pulled up the record of Petty Officer Veronica Isla. As soon as he did so the plasma screen went blank. Tony looked at his remote control and put the picture up again. Right on cue, the screen went blank again.

"Having problems with technology, Tony?" Ziva asked. It was funny to see Tony intently study the control in his hand and then look at the screen as if would show him the answers. What was even more amusing was that McGee had been pointing something at the screen.

"No…," Tony defended himself.

Ziva motioned for McGee to join her at her desk. "When did you get that?" Ziva whispered.

"Don't know," McGee responded. He looked at it before putting it into his pocket.

"Should keep doing it until he figures it out. Time to get our own back," Ziva covered her mouth to hide the mischievous smile. She turned her computer on and stared with an open mouth as McGee reached over and turned it off. "Very funny, McGee," Ziva said with an amount of annoyance.

He returned to his desk and began working on his own work. Tony slowly pressed the button to turn the Plasma screen on… As quick as lightning, McGee raised his own clicker and turned the thing off again. McGee left the bullpen quickly.

"Do you notice anything wrong with, McGee?" Tony asked as he saw Ziva shake her head. "Must be me then or maybe it's a full moon," Tony said as he began going through the information again.

Xxxxxxxxxx

"Where the hell's McGee?" Gibbs asked when he noticed that only 2 of his 3 team members were busy working while eating their lunch.

Tony looked around. "Ah, not sure, Boss," Tony said. There was no sign of him anywhere.

"He did leave suddenly a while earlier," Ziva pointed out. They were too engrossed in their work to think about what had happened earlier. She looked around the bullpen and then around the squad room. There was no sign of McGee.

"He's temporarily misplaced, Boss," Tony said. He too poked his head up to look around.

Gibbs stood up and looked around as Ziva sat down. He could see nothing so he sat back down. "There he is," Tony stood up. That was a mistake. He sat down as Ziva stood up from her desk.

"I wish I had my fluffy hammer… You guys are like moles in a whack-a-mole games," McGee said as he carried a large bag to his desk. "I have gifts for you all," McGee said as he reached deeply into the bag.

"Tony… I got you the latest issue of Playboy, GSM and these couple of beauties," McGee said as he dropped some magazines onto Tony's desk.

"Alright… The July swimsuit edition, McGee. I'm impressed," Tony said with glee.

"Ziva… Muscle Men and the 1984 version of Knife Blades," McGee said as he dropped them on Ziva's desk. "I think you'll get really hot looking at page 87," McGee smiled.

"McGee!" Gibbs shouted. He couldn't believe that McGee had brought in sexual magazines for the others. "What the hell are you doing?" He snapped.

"I haven't forgotten you, Boss," McGee assured him.

Gibbs raised his eyebrows. Surely the young agent wouldn't dare place a girly mag on his desk. Unless it was a hand tool edition, Gibbs didn't want to know. "Don't worry, Boss. Men your age…" McGee began to explain.

"Men my age?" Gibbs voice rose. Just how old did the team think he was?

"Shouldn't be ashamed of a lot of things. Erectile Dysfunction is a very real problem and hidden. But there is help available," McGee said without skipping a beat.

"McGee!" Gibbs shouted louder.

"At just thirty-five dollars a month you can get these pills that will cure that problem and you'll never have to worry about being embarrassed again…" McGee continued.

"What's your problem, McGee?" Gibbs demanded an answer. His face was turning red out of embarrassment and anger.

"Instead you can enjoy a full night of passion," McGee turned his back on Gibbs and approached Tony's desk. "Tony," he said to the Senior Field Agent.

"Yessss?" Tony responded nervously. "You better not offer me Viagra, Probie," Tony warned.

"I've just inherited a lot of money from my grandfather. But my bank won't allow me to process such a large amount of money. If you help me out with a five hundred dollar processing fee and I can share some of the amount with you… Easily Seventy thousand dollars," McGee explained to Tony. But before Tony could respond with anything he turned his attention to Ziva.

"Fancy a man, Ziva. There are plenty. Each one we have perfectly matched men just lining up to be introduced," McGee said and then suddenly stopped. He could feel the sweat forming on his face. He was getting really hot.

"Something's wrong," Tony was the first one to speak.

McGee took his jacket off and revealed horizontal thin strips of blood appearing on his clean white shirt. "My insides are beginning to show," McGee said as he slumped to the ground.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_**Autopsy**_

"Time of Death… fourteen hundred," Ducky said sadly. The obvious cause of death had been too much blood loss. It looked as if young Timothy's skin had been ripped open to expose his insides for everybody to see.

"What was the cause, Duck?" Gibbs asked as he, Ziva and Tony looked on.

"I won't know the direct cause until I perform the Autopsy," Ducky responded. Sometimes his old friend's impatience was inexcusable.

"Get it done," Gibbs snapped.

Ducky performed the autopsy and was surprised to see that some of the organs had seemed to be eaten away. "Oh dear," Ducky said as Palmer looked as well. Before Ducky could delve any deeper blood splattered out and a large worm poked its head up.

"Good God… It's Alien. You know the part where the guy's eating the meal and coughs and splutters…" Tony ducked out the way as the worm some how leaped from McGee's open body and towards him. With great skill, Gibbs caught it and held it at arm's length with both hands.

The Autopsy doors hissed open and in came a young agent with his Sig already out. He shot at the worm which Gibbs automatically dropped. The young agent ran up to it and placed a foot on the worm just below the head and shot at it until it stopped moving. "Gotcha," the young agent posed by holding the gun across his chest like James Bond usually did.

"Thankfully that's taken care of… Thank you, Agent Norton," Ducky said to the younger agent.


End file.
